Hunger Games Fans:

It is not a love story. There is no “team Peeta” or “team Gale” there is only “team post-traumatic stress disorder” and team “super traumatic horror stuff”. 

I love the Harry Potter books. If they one day make a special vibrating edition boxed set of the books I will probably leave whoever I happen to be dating at the time and run away with my Literary sex toys. Sometimes, when I am bored, I look up the worst Harry Potter fan fiction I can find and read it, just so I can get mad at the author for not staying “true” to the story and for corrupting my beautiful love. Now, normally, Harry Potter fans aren’t as obnoxious as I am, usually they are one of the more polite fandoms, but there are just some Harry Potter fan trends I can’t get behind.

1. “Shipping” Lily and Snape. Why would you do this? He never loved her. He didn’t die for her. He died for his creepy stalking problem. Let’s face it, even if he did know her and sort of grow up with her, the scenes we read in the book of them together weren’t really “loving”. They were kids together and Snape was a little shit with a terrible family life, then they were teenagers together and Snape was a little shit with a terrible friend life, then Lily died and Snape broke into someone’s house and stole a letter Lily had written so that he could jerk it and cry over her signature. CREEPY. She showed him some friendship and he started obsessing over her like an old lesbian over her cats. His patronus changed to match hers, not be similar to hers, no, to MATCH. He probably dug through her trash for old underwear of hers he could wear when alone. Or just sit and sniff. She was surprisingly well adjusted and he was kind of mental. He should be shipped with himself, because maybe if he had taken some time to stop obsessing over Lily, he could have worked on his own problems and not died as a lonely, greasy virgin.

2. People who Find Voldemort attractive. I am not talking movie Voldemort, because Ralph Fiennes is pretty sexy, I mean the people who think that being a Death Eater would be awesome and Voldemort is their role model. You do realize he is a very thinly-veiled metaphor for Hitler, right? (Also, as a side note, my spell check tells me that lower case voldemort is a spelling error, but capitalized Voldemort is a correctly spelled, real word) If you think he had the right idea, you might want to re-evaluate your life and morals. Or go talk to a therapist. 

3. People who bitch about the epilogue. I agree that Ginny and Harry must have been drunk when they named their kids, and Malfoy was probably on LSD when naming his creepy replica, but the epilogue is actually important. It shows why everyone fought. It shows why people had to die. It shows a LOT about PTSD. The kids are adults now, but they still haven’t really been able to grow up and get over the war. They had kids and they pretend and function just fine, but when revisiting The station they are all thinking about Voldemort and the fighting and the people lost. They can’t escape that pain and that mindset. Their kids are the first generation in a LONG time to be able to live without Voldemort. They deserve a shitty end chapter. 

4. People who read That Draco story by Cassandra Claire. I tried to read it, I really did, and it started out ok. But then it JUST KEPT GOING. That thing was a never ending monstrosity. The real problem though, was how she could create new parts of her story so well that they seemed canon. They could have been written by JK Rowling. So after you read the Draco Trilogy, you forgot what was “real” and what wasn’t. People who read that story try to explain something from the book to me, but it’s not something from the actual book, it’s something from the fan fiction. and then I get confused and start bringing in other fan fiction canons and that just freaks everyone out because mine usually involve improper wand use and casual mention of anal sex. 

5. Anyone who take all the stuff Rowling said after the 7th book came out to be canon, and then get upset. “Dumbledore COULDN’T have been gay!” “Luna should have been with _____!” “Harry would never have THAT job!” Remember how you didn’t like the epilogue? remember how much it sucked and how most fans have collectively decided to ignore it? If you can ignore something that is actually in the books, you can ignore the casual comments the author makes at interviews. She is probably just saying whatever she feels like, even if it is just to stir the pot. The Dumblegay thing? Probably said so she didn’t look homophobic, and to raise book sales by trying to get LGBTIQQA’s to read her series. You don’t like something she says at an interview? you will probably pour yourself into re-reading all the books looking for clues to prove what she said to be wrong, and if say, you lost your copy of Prisoner of Azkaban and have to buy a new one, she benefits. 

6. People who spend hundreds of dollars online for a wand. IT IS A STICK. Just because it is “handmade” doesn’t mean it’s stuffed with real unicorn hair. You keep it in a velvet lined case on a shelf in your “porcelain cat room”, don’t you? you probably have a marching set of overpriced “school robes” made out of polyester hanging next to the door way. Sometimes, when you are really lonely, you put on your robes and wave your wand around at your fragile kitty statues and then cry because Snape is your one true love. 

7. Those kids who tried to fly on broomsticks. I really hope you were high when you did this, because there is no excuse for thinking you could fly on a broomstick except drugs or maybe temporary insanity. But even insanity often comes with some common sense. Did you kids really have to go and ruin it for the rest of us? After this fiasco was when the book really started controversy, and now some people think the Harry Potter books are satanic. Too bad the books are ABOUT JESUS.